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Aly, Zak, family, faith, musings, photos, scrap, travel, rants

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Grumpy Smurf

Do you remember the smurfs? Those little blue guys with the white hats on Saturday morning cartoons. I remember Jokey and Sleepy and, of course, Papa Smurf. But mostly I remember Grumpy Smurf. He was the one that said "I hate ..." everything. Lately, I've been a Grumpy Smurf. Maybe it is because Aly has been sick. Maybe I just missed Mike too much when he was gone this weekend. Maybe the freezing cold and the snow are making me ooky. I've been sick too, since last Wednesday night - today it is the start of a sore throat. Regardless of the reason, I've been a grumpy smurf, at home and at work. I have little patience. Snarky comments blurt out of my mouth if I don't bite my tongue. I've likely been impossible to live with.
Then yesterday, someone said (online), "are you ok, you've seemed down lately" and it hit me. I'm depressed. I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I've had headaches and backaches. I don't even want to eat. Hello! Something's definitely wrong here. So, you know that commercial that asks "Where does depression hurt?". Well, it is a picture of my life for the past week.
Depression can hurt everywhere — both emotionally and physically. Someone with depression might think or say any of the following:
"I feel sad all the time."
"I just don't feel like myself."
"I don't enjoy being with my friends or doing any of the things I usually love to do."
"I feel completely overwhelmed by my life. I can't see a way out."
"I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately."
"I keep having aches and pains, and I don't know why."
Depression is not just a temporary mood, and it's not a sign of personal weakness. People with depression can experience a variety of emotional and physical symptoms.
For some people, it's a matter of feeling sad, overwhelmed, or stressed out. For others, aches, pains, fatigue, and other physical problems are part of their depression too. In fact, research suggests that about two-thirds of people diagnosed with depression talk to their family doctors first about physical symptoms.

So, here I am, for all the world to see, admitting that I've slipped into depression. I am not doing this for the 'awww, feel better!" comments either. I am posting this for two reasons: first, to force myself out of it. Just like this morning when I forced myself out of bed, out of my pajamas, and later today, out of the house. The other reason is so that if you've felt this way, you know it's not in your head. It's not 'just a bad week'. And that you have to work to get out of it -- it won't just go away.
So, I'm working on it now. I'll pull out of it, like I have before. It isn't easy. In fact, there are some schools of thought that true depression can only be helped by medication. That is not true for me. I have been clinically depressed and I have come through it without medication (I've also had episodes that did require medication). I just hope that if you've felt this way, you'll talk to someone. That you'll get help, maybe even meds. I'm going to. I don't want to be a grumpy smurf. That doesn't mean I won't still have some snarky comments though. :)

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Monday, May 11, 2015

"Coming Out" of My Head

My normal?

Crippling anxiety. Debilitating headaches. And living with my 'depression voice'. I named it that when I dealt with a particularly serious bout of depression in 2008. In the leadership class I teach, we call it negative self-talk. But just like my anxiety occurs on a grander scale than most and my headache isn't the same as your headache, this isn't normal doubt about your self-worth. This isn't being sad. It's not even that feeling when you lose a loved one. My depression voice speaks to me every day, every hour, telling me I'm not good enough. Telling me I'm a burden to my loved ones. Telling me life's not worth it. Luring me into dark, quiet rooms for three hour naps. The fantasy of television. The anonymity of the Internet. Pulling me into bed at night, with promises of a quiet sleep that never materializes. Keeping me from friends, from family, from enjoying the things I used to love, like scrapbooking and reading and blogging and leaving the house. Honestly, from leaving my bedroom.

I know what you're thinking. Wow, you need therapy.

You think? I've tried that.
Seriously?!
Tell me how you feel. Like a big pile of crap.
Why do you think you have those feelings? I'm pretty sure it's a chemical imbalance in my brain exacerbated by stress. What is your job here?!
Have you ever thought of harming yourself? Like, who would say yes to that?!?! That's a one-way ticket to the loony bin. And don't think I haven't thought of taking that little vacation from reality. A few days of eating, sleeping, wearing pajamas, and chatting with a group of people who feel the same way? Sign me up!

Scientists have no idea how the brain really works. I recently learned there have been three theories around negative self-talk. (1) First, we decided you needed to find the events that triggered the thoughts in order to prevent them. Stress bad. Avoid stress. Oh. Easy. Ahem. (2) Next, the experts said we needed to just prove to ourselves the thoughts simply weren't true. I'll probably get a mediocre review with no bonus. False. My students trust me, people laugh at my jokes, and my survey scores chart higher than average. (3) The latest theory says that these thoughts are just chemical misfires in the brain that you can willfully ignore. I'm worthless. Hmmm, no I'm not. I'm not going to recognize that as valid. Next. Oooh, there's a shrimp sale at The Crab Crib! Duly noted. Next.

How is someone asking me how I feel going to help? How can I relate the last 25 years of my life to complete stranger and expect them to "fix me" all in the course of 50 minutes? When Aly was two, I tried a local therapist. He took my history at his desk with his back to me, verified that all my kids had the same baby-daddy, and condescendingly explained post-partum depression. I left his office in tears, feeling violated. He obviously didn't hear the part where this was my only normal newborn to toddler experience.

But you have a job, you think. How can you do your job?

True. I do have a job. A job that requires me at least every other week to get on a plane (or two) and stand up in front of a room of 100 newly hired people to teach them about our company. A job that starts at 7 AM and doesn't end until dinner is finished at 9 PM. And every other week I do that job. And I'm good at it. Actually, I'm great at it. I will be rated "exceeds expectations" this year.

Except some nights,during training weeks, I don't make it to dinner. Some nights, I collapse into bed at 6PM. Some mornings I wake up with a debilitating headache and a voice that tries to convince me to stay in bed. But I'd like to keep my job (because I once almost lost it, seriously), so I take a handful of Excedrin on top of my regular medication. Some lunches are spent in the ladies room, just breathing, trying to stop the shaking. And more than once I have frozen. Stopped mid-sentence. Looked at my co–facilitator and said "Can you take this?", and working with a high performing team, I've a gotten away with it. But most weeks, I do it. Most weeks, I'm a rockstar. Then I come home. And those weeks, those are the dark ones. It's like I only have so much energy, and I spend that energy at work. I spend that energy on "happy Tonya". And the real me is crumpled, broken mess. A ball of pain, and anxiety, and darkness. In fact, recently I've begun to wonder if my clinically diagnosed depression is actually bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression). My work schedule may perpetuate the weekly cycling. Is it mania showing during my rock star work weeks? Am I just putting on a front those days I collapse into bed? If I trusted a therapist, maybe I'd go in for a new diagnosis. But for what? A label? Different drugs?

I know it's not fair. I know I'm shortchanging my family, my friends. Even myself. But I don't know what to do.
More drugs? I'm pretty sure my family doctor isn't going there. The last time I went in because I was feeling the slide into darkness, he asked the usual "hurt yourself or others" question and I gave the usual "of course not" answer. He said, and I am not making this up, "oh good. That really makes me look bad."
Therapy? Oh, I tried it again. My last therapist couldn't hold a normal adult conversation. She copied dozens of pages out of pop-psychology books and handed them to me at each of the two appointments I kept. She also recommended I do some Bible studies.
Ok, let's talk about Jesus. A random idiot on Facebook responded to a post about depression saying it was caused by spiritual warfare and depressed people just weren't praying hard enough. I do believe in God, and by extension, the spiritual realm. One of my favorite books is This Present Darkness by Frank Paretti, which tells the struggle of humans through the eyes of the angels that watch over them. But, NEWS FLASH, Christians can suffer from anxiety and depression just like they can suffer from diabetes or cancer or MS. The joy of the Lord is my strength. YEAH, and the chemicals in my brain are my weakness.

So do I just keep going? Can I? When will my energy run out? When will the darkness take over? When will it all just stop?

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I've got a permanent case of the giggles

On Sunday, worn out from bailing the basement, I stayed home from church and decided to watch a Sunday morning evangelist on TV. Thousands of people were gathered in person, and I can only guess how many were watching with me remotely as the preacher delivered his sermon. And I use that term loosely.

I have been forever tainted by hearing my husband preach the Word of God. Even before he went to school, he delivered an expository message that takes a passage in the Bible and explains it within context and then challenges you to apply it to your life. I suppose some people might find that type of sermon too 'heavy' but I would say that a topical sermon (which picks a topic and then cites verses to support it) could really twist the meaning of the Word of God. A sermon should teach you something about God's Word and make you think about applying it to your own life, not entertain you and water down the truth.

Take for example, this past Sunday morning. The message was "The Healing Power of Laughter," which translated to a series of funny stories glued together by various disparate Bible verses. I don't doubt that each of the stories he claimed to be true were, in fact, true. I would agree that it was 30 minutes that was not unpleasant. There was even a nice message in there -- your life will be better if you laugh more. But I also don't understand how it was a sermon. This guy claimed that sickness, cancer, depression and marital woes could be cured by laughter. But he never talked about how you can have that kind of laughter within you to start with. Well, he did say that you should read funny books and watch funny movies. Hmmm, not what I was thinking. Instead of quoting Proverbs that many people have heard before (A joyful heart is good medicine....17:22), why not explain how you can be filled with joy? Where does that kind of laughter come from?

The book of Philippians was written by the Apostle Paul from a Roman prison. Many people believe this letter was written about the same time that Nero was feeding Christians to lions and burning their bodies to light his feasts. It would have been a little tough for Paul to work up a belly laugh in these kinds of conditions, far from his friends and fellow Christians, but nearly every paragraph in the book contains the word "joy" or "joyous". Paul had true joy, joy that is always within, and I would challenge that you cannot have that kind of joy without knowing God. When you understand the love of God, and accept eternal life through Christ Jesus, you know how things end. Regardless of your past or your present or even what may come, you know that in the end, good triumphs over evil, that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6) When you base your life on this fact, it matters not what trials may come. When the joy comes from within, you can laugh in the worst of circumstances.

Do I believe that laughter can heal? Well, I believe that both laughter and healing come from God. Is it the laughter that heals, or is it God that brings both laughter and healing to those that are sick? Is this laughter simply a sign of God's healing presence? Here is what I know, from personal experience: I can laugh, really laugh, now that I'm following God's plan for my life. I know there is nothing that God doesn't know, nothing He can't pull back on course. I don't expect that I won't catch a cold, or even that I won't have struggles with depression, but I do know that I am eternally loved by God, and that is always good for a giggle.

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Monday, December 31, 2007

The Blog Year in Review

Now, I did this last year and only included a summary of the first blog post of each month. That really doesn't tell you what happened all year, so this time I'll include a quick synopsis of posts. Remember, I'm a less than faithful blogger, so this still is not going to cover all of our life events, but at least you get the flavor of our 2007.
  • January: We had our hors d'ourve party for New Years and I committed to fit in the bridesmaids dress for Pam's wedding (see July for results). Zak became a teenager and punched someone. I scrapped, I traveled and ranted about traveling.
  • February: Mike & Aly got glasses, Mike got a coaching job, I admitted to clinical depression and we scrapped some more. The big story ... before I went to visit Jamie in Bloomington, I fell down the escalator at the Metro station.
  • March: Aly is a genius but doesn't know how to sit on the bed without falling off and lacerating her scalp. I didn't blog much.
  • April: Nana and Pawpaw came to visit. You learned 100 things about me on my birthday.
  • May: The RAV4 got crashed and I really didn't blog much.
  • June: Zak played volleyball, Aly played piano and I played videos from YouTube. I traveled a lot and complained a lot about it. Ok, so I was attempting to be humorous on those posts. My iPod broke.
  • July: Mike got a job at a church, I got a promotion, and Jamie got a peanut. The kids went to Boonville, Mike & I went to NYC and we all saw Ms. Pammie get married (and I fit in the &^%$ dress). My iPod lives but Zak's died.
  • August: Light on blog posts, but I got official notice of my promotion.
  • September: The kids went back to school, Mike & I went to see the Dolphins play the Redskins and we all had fun at the church retreat. Another crash happened to the RAV4 and I hung with the kids at the pool for a few days. The drama began with the mortgage for our new house.
  • October: I worked, I traveled, I saw the Redskins again. We closed on the house.
  • November: I have high cholesterol. We still have moving boxes. The holidays begin.
  • December: Merry Christmas, and another blow (literally) to the knees.

Yeah, I could have linked all those back but if you want to remember that bad, use the search box up there at the top of the page. :P

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Thursday, October 23, 2008

I'm on a break ...

The workshop is San Diego is over and went really well, mostly.
Two folks had to leave due to relatives that were ill, so I was a little stressed. I've been on Eastern time for a week so I have no idea what time it really is now, but I just know I'm tired. I have an 8 am flight which means getting up at 5. But that is really 8. I don't know.

I'm taking some time off from work. We're calling it vacation time (which is good since I got the note that I'm about to max out ... we get 22 days per year and we use them or lose them). Anyway, we're saying it is a two week vacation, but it is a mental health break. Faithful readers should not be surprised that I struggle with depression, but those close to me -- okay, my husband -- tells me I've never been this bad. I'll be honest, I agree; I've just been lying to myself.

So now it is apparent enough to my co-workers and I'm being encouraged to take time off. Besides some therapy, I plan to start an exercise regimen, do some scrapbooking, and color my hair. I plan to NOT work, although I know I will unless Mike hides my laptop and confiscates my blackberry.

I plan to go to the doctor early next week to get a referral and talk again about my headaches. I am pretty sure they are completely stress related, but he may want to do a CT scan. So, this might mean I'll blog more than ever, or maybe I really will hide my computer.

Either way, I'll be okay. I always am.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Why I Blog

Thank you to Perri for the blog award. This little award she sent my way said, “These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement . Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!”

I'm passing this award to Lisa, Shawna and Jamie. All are friends that I have a lot in common with (ok, so Jamie and I share parents), but these chicks are really cool and tell it like it is on their blogs. All three of them are also amazing scrapbookers, and I regularly copy their work shamelessly into my own layouts.

So, why do I blog? Well, way back when I started, it was apparently to avoid other responsibilities. Then, about a month later, I started publishing my blog so friends and family could keep up with me as we moved from Boonville to Greenwood. I began chronicling my mom's battle with cancer, crazy travel experiences, my on-and-off scrapping hobby and stuff going on with Zak and Aly. I also began to develop my blog into my own website with jokes, tips, links, etc.

More recently, I've posted my struggle with depression and my rekindled faith. I've also started to add more photos. What I love is that I can go back for almost 4 years now and see what was happening in our lives. I love to go back and read, and sometimes I use my blog to pinpoint when something happened or to journal for a scrapbook page. I suppose I use my blog as a diary, which is a little scary since anyone can read it. But I also know that I only have a handful of visitors, so why not share? I suppose even if no one visited, I'd still do it, but I'm happy you come anyway.

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Thursday, January 08, 2009

Love Believes the Best

I have always said that I am a positive person. I think of the glass as half-full. But I have realized that the voice of depression (or Satan, if you believe along those lines) has been coloring my belief in myself and in others.

My new mantra is to always believe the best. The key?

Do not fill the unknown with negative assumptions.

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Monday, January 05, 2009

Mondays make me tired

Seriously. Why is it that I'm ready for bed by 7:30 on Mondays?
Lots of meetings today, but with my brand new attitude, it was no problem.

I'll be in the office the rest of the week, maybe I can work from home on Friday.

I hope that y'all had a good first day back at work, or maybe a good day at home if the kids were back at school.

And, just to prove I'm a brand new me, I had a short call with my wellness coach today for a status check and there wasn't even a BLIP on the depression scale. WOOT WOOT. Next step: lose weight. I've already cut down on my food consumption (eat only when you are hungry; what a concept!), so now it is all about the workouts. I'm not looking forward to getting started, but I know once I do, I will like it. And you'll hear all about it. :)

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Thursday, December 27, 2007

Best.Christmas.Ever!!

Of course it IS the most wonderful time of the year, but I tend toward winter depression during the month of December. I would say it has been at least 6-7 years since I enjoyed shopping and preparing for Christmas. But this year, it was different. I don't know why. Nothing is more depressing than living among towers of boxes and contracting the plague for a week. I was just happy, and so was the family. By the way, if you'd like to give the gift of a giant microbe (they don't have the plague, unless that is the same thing as the black death?), click here.


Saturday night was the EM Christmas party. Lots of good food and we exchanged white elephant gifts. We brought home a handheld Tetris game and a Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not desk calendar.

Sunday was church. Mike gave the lesson during Sunday School and we practiced our songs. Lunch was extra special for Christmas, and after EM service, we went to Joanne's for a Community Ministry meeting.

On Christmas Eve, Aly and I went to play practice while Mike went last-minute shopping. That night, our play went so well ... the children were adorable. We didn't open any Christmas Eve presents. Actually, we went to bed pretty quickly after getting home.

The kids woke me up a little before 6:00 am on Christmas Day. They were excited about all of their presents, with the Wii being at the top of the list. They both got lots of clothes. Aly loved her pottery wheel. Zak's favorite was electronic drumsticks that plug into his MP3 player. Mike was surprised by his MP3 player (Sansa Clip, the new Shuffle knockoff). I was just happy. I truly didn't want anything for Christmas because I had everything I wanted. But here's my list of presents received ... and I loved them all:

  • a giant jewelry box, so I can take my necklaces off of the hanger I have them on

  • two Princess Bride t-shirts: One says "I'm on the brut squad" and the other says "inconceivable!"

  • a collectable Donnie & Marie book (he's so dreamy!)

  • DVD: Top Secret

  • noise canceling headphones

  • redskins jersey of my favorite player, Randel El (because his name sounds like sandle-el and reminds me of breakfa-last and Harda-lay's)

  • a stocking full of candy, including peanut butter cups and 3 muskateers dark chocolate mint



After the gift opening, we loaded up the car and headed for Indiana. I slept for the first two hours, as did the kids. We only stopped three times on the whole trip and the doggies were quiet. We got to Boonville way ahead of schedule, around 6:30 CT. Pam & Joe, Beau & Tara, Matt & Jamie, Mom & Dad and opened the remaining presents, including Guitar Hero 3 for Wii, which then consumed the rest of the evening, and so far, every minute since.

Mike and I did some shopping yesterday. I got some great bargains at Burlington Coat Factory. I got to see Jamie's new house, which is adorable! Today we are headed to the Book Broker in Evansville. Pawpaw made us cinnamon toast for breakfast and we're planning on Village Pizza for dinner. Friday night will be another big family night -I'm not sure what we'll do, but I know we'll all have fun. It's been so great to be here!

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Friday, March 28, 2014

Anxiety

Anxiety doesn't need a reason. 
We encourage people to think of anxiety and depression like other diseases, such as high blood pressure, but it's not as easy to tie these conditions back to a cause. Sometimes, they just happen. I suppose like you can be genetically predisposed to diabetes. Or someone with no symptoms or health issues dies peacefully in their sleep. 
I'm hanging at home, one if my favorite tv shows on. Kids and family safe and sound. Finished with work by 1pm today. Starting a fun new job in the same company. No stress. 
But last night before bed and right now, I have sharp chest pains, pressure, and a feeling of being trapped. Tension all over. Headache on the verge of a barftastic migraine. 
What is causing this? I don't know. 
What will make it go away? No idea.
What stinks is that sometimes this condition paralyzes me from normal interactions. I can't visit my mom or drive to a kid's birthday party. And how do you explain to someone that you are missing an event because your body won't let you leave the house?
I don't know. 
I don't think you do either, but in the throes of this stupid attack, I just wanted someone to hear me and maybe understand. 

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Random Thoughts

1. Men are like slinkies....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think. "Well, that's not going to happen."

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restruant. Every table had an argument going on.

5. Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

6. You know when you are sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

11. I'm not 40-something, I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling.

12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resembleance to the first.

14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states this has already happened.

15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes the whole box to start a campfire?

16. Doctors can be frustrating! You wait a month and a half for an appointment and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

17. You read about all those terrorists... most of them came here legally, but they hung around on those expired visas, some as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

18. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


I've added some code to the left side of my blog that displays a random siglet. A siglet is a cute little saying you attach to your email signature. Ever changing random thoughts, automatically.

Here are more randoms, with a religious slant.

1.Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2.Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

3.A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comm-- but never let him be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? -- Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you, controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

And, the Zen version:

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Drive way too fast and don't worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Inside My Head

The Saturday that started as a normal day blurred into a Sunday, a Mother's Day, that wasn't. And now nothing's normal. Even a year later. Nothing.

Now, every "normal" day could be abnormal. Now, I can't fall asleep because of the racing thoughts in my mind. Now, random lines from songs play over and over in my head, like a broken record, keeping me from focusing. Now, I have horrible nightmares where the people I love won't speak to me, where they leave me, alone. Now, when I wake up, I imagine all of the horrible things that could go wrong with the day before I even sit up. My heart rate soars. I can have chest pains for days. It is hard to leave the house. I can barely drive a car. When my husband isn't home, he has to text me before and after he drives because I imagine horrible accidents taking him from me. I am perpetually on the verge of tears. I prepare to attend family events, dinners with friends, even trips to see my daughter, and invariably, I can't. I can't leave the house.

It's anxiety, you think. You can take medicine for that, you think.

I do, every night. If I don't, I'm completely out of control, a nervous wreck, wringing my hands, physically shaking, unable to stay still, but paralyzed with fear. Recently, due to poor planning on my part, I went five days without my anxiety medication. I couldn't make the simplest of decisions. I couldn't work. I lost one day to a migraine and had chest pains for three. I was terrified of driving to the doctor's office. After a 30 minute wait and three minutes with the nurse, I got to see the doctor, the general practitioner who was my mom's doctor too. "How's the medicine working? No side effects? Yeah, I gotta bring you in here every six months to be sure you're not - I don't know - dead. :eye roll: Obamacare." 90 seconds later I was on my way home to wait for the text from CVS. Quality healthcare in Nowhere, IN.

So, yes, medicine helps, but it's still not normal. It's just in your head, you say. Oh, I know. I know it's not rational. But I can't make it stop. People don't understand.

Try this: Imagine you are asleep while a loved one is out of town. Now imagine you are startled awake by a phone call from an unfamiliar voice identifying as law enforcement. Can you imagine that feeling, adrenaline and fear and confusion and helplessness? Capture that flash, that feeling. And imagine it continues for hours. For days. That's my normal.

And it's not just anxiety; it's chronic daily headaches. Yes, for nearly my entire life, every day my head would hurt. Just like my sister thought not seeing out of one eye was normal, or at least couldn't be fixed, I thought everyone's head hurt all the time and a headache was when it got really bad. About seven years ago I had an MRI (for another reason) and the neurologist discovered a Chiari I malformation (my brain hangs out of the bottom of my skull and compresses my spinal fluid). On the 1-10 pain scale, I usually have a constant "one" ache. Think of a headache you'd take drugs for. A hangover headache. A headache when you have a cold. Sinus pain. You might call that a two or three. That is my one. Every day, from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. It often moves to a two. At three, I take Excedrin (this would be your six, where you might go to the ER). Most days I don't take medication, I just deal, because the rebound when the medication wears off is worse than when it started. At four, I take Excedrin, a nap, and a cold pack into a dark room. A four or five can wake me in the middle of the night. This happened last week when I forgot to take my preventive meds the night before. 5:00am, awake to severe pain. It was too late to fix and I spent all day in bed. In a hotel.

In February, I had an eight. All day. Yes, where ten is childbirth without drugs (my first, trying to be tough), my entire head had a constant, sharp pain equivalent to 80% of that. Even swapping three Excedrin and three Motrin every two hours didn't provide any relief, To combat the pain, I pulled my hair, applied pressure with my knuckles, massaged my head and neck, slapped at my scalp, cried, and wished I was dead. Literally. Dead. These are the symptoms of cluster headaches. I don't know what causes these types of headaches. I cannot even identify a trigger for the worst ones.

I started taking Butterbur extract twice a day in March (on a recommendation from a learner who saw me devolve into a migraine in the middle of class and stagger out of the room), and rarely get anything above a three now. My neurologist recently adjusted my other medication, and the daily headaches are almost gone. Now I only have one or two headaches a week, and they don't last all day.

I still get the occasional migraine, where I don't necessarily have severe head pain but lose my vision, throw up, and/or hallucinate. I must immediately escape all light and sound. I can't watch TV or use a phone or computer. I can't read or write. I can't listen to music. I usually lose an entire day in bed. If I recognize the trigger (cologne, change in the weather, bright sunlight, high anxiety) in time, I can reduce the severity with a prescription medication that leaves me feeling foggy and unable to process my thoughts or have a lucid conversation. Yes, that is the better alternative.

That is my normal. Anxiety. Headaches. Oh, and depression. More about that next time.

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Monday, April 30, 2007

100 Things About Me

In celebration of my 37th birthday (whoo hooo), I would like to share 100 things you might not know about me. This isn't in response to one of those email forwards that ask you chocolate or vanilla or whether you have ever been in a car accident. I saw Perri coming up with 100 things and figured I could do the same. All those blog tags about "7 weird things" are spinning around out there too, so I'm covering my bases. My blog was originally visited only by family, but now I have friends from all over who might like to know a little more.

ETA: I had asterisks instead of numbers. Now I'm adding numbers, (1) to prove there really are 100 things and (2) for ease of reference in your comments. If that sounds like a plea for comments, it is. We bloggers looooove comments.

100 things seems like a lot, so I decided to design a method to help me get there. I'll give you 33 things from my school days, 33 things from college through my twenties and 33 things from my thirties. And that will tell you what the first one is:

1. I think in a logical and organized fashion. I love math (my college minor) and even think through problems that don't involve numbers with mathematical principles. This could also be stated as "Tonya is a total nerd".
2. I was born on the last day of April. I used to tease Mike that this was April 31st, so he'd miss my birthday.
3. I was two weeks overdue and came via caesarian section after 18 hours of labor. Sorry Mom.
4. I was a good 'only child' and less than thrilled by the addition of my sister when I was almost four. I got to help pick her name, Pamela. Eh, she's ok now. :)
5. I hated kindergarten. I can remember throwing a screaming fit in the room one day because I wanted to go home. I did not like my teacher, Mrs. Leslie, at all. This seems odd to me now.
6. I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. Pam and I would "play school" all the time. I was a pre-school teacher for a year 2001-2002. My kids, including Aly, loved me.
7. In first grade, I got to go to a second grade reading group. I also wet my pants at my desk because we weren't allowed to interrupt Mrs. Harris during class. I "re-met" Mrs. Harris when we began attending First Baptist Church in Boonville. She is still a lovely lady, voracious reader and accomplished violinist.
8. Miss Boultinghouse, my second grade teacher, introduced me to the Little House books, let me pick Nancy Drew books from the third grade section of the library, and taught me a secret party trick called "black magic". I think this is when I learned to love to read.
9. In the third grade, I got another baby sister. I was a little perturbed that Mom was off at the hospital during the Loge School Spring Festival. I got over that too. Jamie's the coolest chick I know.
10. I had my appendix out in March 1980 and missed the school spelling bee. I remember sharing my room in Pediatrics with an 18 year old. She was mortified that no rooms were available on the 'real' floor, but was very nice to me. When the nurses offered a snack of ice cream, I requested a ham sandwich instead.
11. I was the second person "out" in the 1981 school spelling bee. I spelled "coach" as "couch". Ouch.
12. I was second runner up in the 1982 school spelling bee. Laura Neuman won. She was my friend Mike's cousin, and boy was he mad at me.
13. My neighborhood friends in grade school were all boys: Mike & Jeff, Todd, and Ryan. We climbed trees, rode bikes, played ball and stayed out till the streetlights came on. One day, Mike ran into our back door a little too hard and broke the glass.
14. We had a run in with the cops when our ball playing got too involved with a neighbor's garden. Mom went to school with the policeman on duty, so jail time was averted (ah, small town life). We were scared spitless anyway and never played ball near the garden again.
15. I played softball from the tee-ball years (is that 6? 7?) until I was 13 or so. I started out at first base (nickname: Stretch), and also played shortshop and second base. I ended up as the catcher.
16. I played softball again for the summer after my college freshman year when I worked with Dad at Anchor. Catcher again. I like to chatter, you know, "heeeeey batter batter, heeeeey". I also learned that I did not want to work in a factory ever again.
17. I joined the "dance team" in junior high (Pantherettes) and was a member all six years including high school (Trailblazers). The school dance team in the 1980s was very different from today's squads. I still remember most of our routine to "Footloose" and the one to "The Bird".
18. I performed a portion of the "Footloose" routine at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square on a business trip last year. They videotaped me and played it on the closed circuit tv. I no longer drink during business dinners.
19. I learned to say all of the being verbs (am is are was were be being been) and helping verbs (have has had do does did must might may can could shall should will would) in less than 5 seconds total in Mr. Lacer's English class. I also learned to say "yes" and "no" since a "yeah" or "huh-uh" would cost you a nickel.
20. I am terrified of drowning because of a mishap at Richard's Pool when someone shoved me into deep water and the lifeguard thought I was fooling. I was required to take swimming lessons in Freshman Gym class and have no idea how I got an "A".
21. I have only been pulled over for speeding once, when I was 16, in Chandler, on the way home from church. Even though I was doing 54 in a 40 mph zone, I was only given a verbal warning. Mom and Dad met me at the back door and already knew the whole story. Another 'benefit' of small town life.
22. Even though I'd attended church since I was three years old, I made the decision to give my life to Jesus when I was 16 and attending youth group with my friend Sherri.
23. Youth group was a huge part of my teen years, thank God. I never drank, smoked, or broke the law (um, ok, that speeding thing) during high school. My friends from that time are life-long. We got together for a reunion about 10 years ago.
24. Two minutes late coming home from Wednesday church curfew at 9:32 pm, I was grounded for two weeks. Two weeks!! I'm still late for most everything by at least two minutes.
25. I never dated anyone in my high school. My first date at age 16 was with a freshman in college (who, granted, did used to go to my high school). My only other high school boyfriend was from church.
26. I was definitely in the 'nerd' group at school. My best friend from junior high stopped speaking to me one day in 9th grade because I wasn't popular enough and was dragging her down. Seriously.
27. I've never attended a high school reunion. Our twentieth is next year. Maybe I'll go to see how the popular crowd is faring in life.
28. I made the first cut for the high school tennis team, but not the finals. I never tried out for any other school sport. I'm still pretty good at tennis.
29. In sociology class I insisted I'd never get married or have children. When forced, I guessed marriage at 24 and kids at 26.
30. I was married at 22 and had my first child at 23.
31. My first job (besides babysitting) was working the counter at Dairy Queen. Blizzards were brand new. I still think DQ ice cream is the best and can make the famous "ball and curl" upon request.
32. My first car was a bright yellow 1974 Chevy Vega. I paid $46/month on the loan and bought my own gas. The radiator leaked and made the car smell like maple syrup all the time.
33. I was a National Merit Scholar semi-finalist. I scored 1260 on the SAT and 32 on the ACT (back when the top score was 34, not 36). I graduated as valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA and received a Presidential Scholarship from Western Kentucky University.
34. Had it not been for extra credit, I'd have gotten a "B" in Mr. Chambers's Government class. Mr. Chambers taught Government to my parents too. I "re-met" Mr. Chambers when we began attending First Baptist Church in Boonville. He still scares me.

That's our first section. In college, and on through my twenties ...
35. I chose to attend WKU for three reasons: they had one of six genetics programs in the country; they offered me four years of college free, including room, board, and books; mom wouldn't let me go any further away.
36. My first roommate was my best friend from high school, Sherri. We lived in Potter Hall, on the third floor, with no air conditioning.
37. I changed my major from Biology to Chemistry when I got a "B" in Developmental Biology. I would have switched to Math, but I cannot comprehend Statistics. At all. Still.
38. I totaled my '74 Vega driving home from WKU in the rain. I rear-ended a truck in Reo, Indiana. The other driver got a ticket for leaving the scene of the accident.
39. Sherri totaled her car during spring break of our sophomore year. Her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel and hit a guard rail. Sherri landed on her head in the opposite lane.
40. Sherri is still alive. So is her daughter, with whom she was pregnant at the time. She still has headaches and other pains from the accident, but she is a miracle and an inspiration to me.
41. I only went on one spring break trip to Florida. This was when I got word of Sherri's accident. It was the one and only time I've ever said to someone "be careful" as they left on a trip.
42. I was engaged to that boyfriend from church. I became a new person at college and broke the engagement. I encourage everyone to find themselves before they get serious with a boyfriend.
43. I was engaged in college too, and broke that one off. The third time was the charm.
44. I took my last final exam for my BS in Chemistry on 12/15/92. I was married 12/19/92. It was a busy week.
45. My wedding colors were purple and silver. My matron of honor and I (and Mom) made all of the flower arrangements, including my bouquet.
46. There are a zillion shades of purple. We divided them into "red purple" and "blue purple".
47. We honeymooned in Gatlinburg, TN. We forgot the camera, so our only picture is the one you buy for 10 bucks at the top of the skylift.
48. My next car, a 1990 Geo Prizm hatchback, was crashed when no one was in it. A policeman passing a car on the left swerved when the car turned left in front of him and crashed into the rear of our parked car. I think they're still in court over it. We had to pay our own deductible.
49. Mike's teenaged brother Chris moved in with us in February 1993, after we'd been married about two months. He lived with us until he graduated from high school in 1996.
50. I thought I had the flu in May 1993. I was pregnant.
51. Birth control pills are only 99% effective. I always did try to be in the top 1%.
52. I was the biggest "by the book" pregnant woman EVER. Regular checkups, prenatal vitamins, carried "What to Expect When You're Expecting" with me all the time, moved back to Boonville to be near my mom.
53. Zakary was born at 10:07 a.m. on Jan 7, 1994. He weighed 7 lbs 7.5 oz and was 21" long. He is the only child for which I recall the birth time, weight or length.
54. I haven't blogged about Zakary's illness, but I have several journals with all the details. This ordeal made me mad at God. I didn't speak to Him for years.
55. We moved to Indianapolis, and I took a night shift job at an imaging company (they had microfilm back then). Mike was on my shift and no one knew we were married.
56. I moved to the sales department as the secretary. I applied at a different company for a secretary position and was instead offered a job as a Claims Processor. So began my career in Insurance.
57. I went back on speaking terms with God when Isaiah died. We're still close :)
58. Aly was born July 24, 1998. I spent less than 24 hours in the hospital. I had learned to hate hospitals.
59. Although we'd been singing for years about partying "like it's 1999", I spent the morning of 1/1/2000 validating that our claims processing system was not affected by the Y2K bug.
60. I was a Mary Kay consultant for about 4 years. I made pretty good money selling the product and recruited several folks. I still use the skin care and cosmetics.
61. When I was little, I wanted to grow up to be a nurse. Then I found out girls could be doctors. I wanted to be a pediatrician. Then a veteranarian. I still think I might go to Medical School some day.
62. My degree is in Chemistry, but I've never had a job where I applied it. I have used all those cool gadgets they have on CSI: mass spectrometer, gas chromotography, even mri.
63. I do not like Chemistry lab. Measuring out everything and mixing it and heating it. Too much like cooking. This is why I decided not to actual get a "chemistry job".
64. Favorite Song: "Lean On Me" by Club Nouveau, 1987. I remember this song while Michelle drove all of us stuffed into her little Honda on the county backroads to Evansville in the summer time.
65. Favorite Movie: "The Princess Bride", 1987. I didn't discover this movie till college, when we would have viewing parties. I can recite most of the dialogue by heart, much to the chagrin of my children.
66. Favorite Author: I can't pick one. Stephen King, Jonathan Kellerman, Lillian Jackson Braun, JK Rowlings. I love mysteries that make my brain work. Best series ever: the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder.
67. Favorite Musical Artist/Band: Amy Grant, Elton John, Neil Diamond, Shania Twain, Beach Boys

And now, my 30's, aka the new millenium:
68. I only drink whole milk. Skim and 2% are totally gross. Unless they are in my coffee.
69. My Starbucks order is obnoxious. Venti low-fat sugar-free vanilla latte, no foam, extra hot. In fact, in a video at work that portrayed an obnoxious manager, he ordered that exact drink. Ok, not exactly. He didn't say "extra hot".
70. Mike has "venti low-fat sugar-free vanilla latte, no foam, extra hot" written on a card in his wallet. For when he goes to Starbucks for me.
71. I am spoiled. What can I say? My husband loves me. We generally spoil our children as well.
72. We have the best-behaved spoiled children. Maybe they aren't spoiled. They don't expect to be showered with love, attention and gifts --but they are. I think spoiled kids expect it.
73. Pet peeve I hate most: self-centeredness. This covers pretty much any other pet peeve you can think of. Cutting me off in traffic? Self-centered. Yelling into a cell phone on a plane? Self-centered. Allowing your children to climb on the table at Denny's? Self-centered.
74. I visit internet chat boards almost every day. The links are over to the left on my blog. I've made some great friends, but never met any of them in person.
75. I use Instant Messenger almost every day too, to talk to my sister. She just moved to AZ but we still chat just like we live in the same town. PwC has a built in chat client and they encourage its use.
76. I work from home most days. I do occasionally go downtown to meet the client, or to the Tysons Corner office for team meetings. Most days, I'm attending conference calls in my jammies.
77. I am not as organized as I would like to be. I jot down notes and things to do all over the place. Sometimes I make lists with little check boxes. Usually, they are lost and important things are forgotten.
78. I like to say "time for a drink" when I get flustered. But I really don't drink much. I tasted beer for the first time last summer. I like to put salt in it.
79. I sleep with the TV on. All night. I usually have it on CourtTV and switch to the news around 5 am when "Body by Jake" or "Make Money in Real Estate" starts blaring.
80. The only magazine I subscribe to is Entertainment Weekly. We also get TVGuide but I didn't order it - it just showed up one day. I do buy scrapping magazines, but the one mag I subscribed to (Scrapbook Answers) discontinued.
81. I have a Garfield and Pooky stuffed animal collection. I have a small Pooky that I sleep with every night. Aly has one too, so even when I'm not home, we are connected.
82. I love to work puzzle books - crosswords, sudoku, kakuro, but my favorite are logic puzzles. If Mr. Green sits next to the lady with a yellow hat and Annie is across from the pediatrician, what are the names and occupations of the bridge partners? Just in case you really didn't believe that nerd business from before.
83. I wear headbands almost every day and my hair is just getting long enough for a pony tail. I had long hair when I was little until high school and I miss it. Headbands and pony tails give me a headache.
84. I almost never go barefoot outside the house. I can't stand for my feet to be dirty. The beach is not pleasant in that regard, because how do you ever get all that - blech - sand off before you get to the car?
85. I can't stand other people's feet to be dirty. Now, I am not anti-foot. A foot massage is one of my favorite things. I love pedicures. But I am definitely anti-dirty-foot.
86. I still have (and wear) socks that I bought in Junior High school. Mike gets me new socks all the time. I just can't give up socks that don't have holes. My faves? The black and yellow checked ones.
87. My favorite vacation (even given the dirty foot thing) is the beach. I want to sit and stare at the waves forever. Unfortunately, Mike's idea of vacation is to visit every shop, restaurant, putt-putt, and tourist attraction in whatever state we are in, usually one with mountains. We compromise. Many marriages would be saved if they'd just put a nice ocean in the middle of the mountains.
88. Hey, back to crashed cars. This one is a twofer: A few months after we moved to Boonville, a drunk driver missed the curve and crashed into our parked Chevy Cavalier. He pushed it into our living room, where Mike had fallen asleep on the couch. Then he drove through the yard and crashed into our '99 RAV4 SUV. The RAV4 landed in the neighbor's garden after taking out a fruit tree.
89. The driver ran from the scene. He admitted to being drunk but said he wasn't driving. Later he said he was driving, but fell asleep at the wheel. He spent a weekend in jail. A weekend. I have campaigned against drunk driving since I was a teen, and I will continue to do so.
90. I like to sing, but I'm not so good. Still, I've done it in church, in front of dozens of people. I do it in front of hundreds of people on the beltway too, but they aren't as appreciative.
91. My favorite holiday is Halloween. Most people find that odd for a Christian. I just like the dressing up and fun. It was always so fun as a kid and I love it still today.
92. I think Easter is a more important holiday than Christmas, but I think they are both so commercialized that they've lost their real meaning to most people. We don't color Easter eggs or give our kids Easter baskets. Nana does :)
93. I don't celebrate "greeting card holidays" like Valentine's Day, Mother's Day or Father's Day. We do let the kids make a card, but no flowers and gifts. We celebrate our love and our family every day.
94. I think there's nothing wrong with reading fiction like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and the DaVinci Code. I don't believe in talking bunnies, but I read Peter Rabbit to my kids. I can read about magic and other stories without compromising my beliefs.
95. I believe that depression is a real illness, and while the power of God can help someone who is suffering, a little medication goes a long way too. I struggle through depression without medication, and have anxiety attacks at least once a week.
96. I believe everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for our lives and gives us choices to make. It's better to ask Him for directions than to wander around between point A and Z. I think He'll always bring us back to point Z. Our way of getting there is just harder.
97. I believe in Heaven and Hell and angels and demons. A great fictional account of spiritual warfare is This Present Darkness, by Frank Peretti. The book fictionalizes what is happening in the spiritual realm that affects our lives in the world.
98. I believe God made the world in 6 days, just like the Bible says. That makes the earth about 6000 years old. Yes, I know about carbon dating ... I'm a chemist, remember? Did you know that carbon dating is based on a 'best guess' and is not exact? Did you know most fossils are dated by the 'layers of earth' they are found in? Do you think a giant flood could have caused all those layers to happen at once instead of over billions of years?
99. I believe Jesus Christ was a real man that lived, died and was resurrected by the power of God. I believe he broke the bonds of sin and allows me to have a close and personal relationship with God.
100. I believe I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13). I learned that from Aunt Linda when I was 8 years old and it remains my favorite verse. All things!!

If you made it through all that, you know all there is to know about me. Congratulations. And I'm sorry. :)

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