It's That Time of Year

My mammogram was scheduled today and I was so excited about it, I drove to Deaconess downtown, where they haven’t done mammograms for 18 mo (says the nice elderly gentleman trying not to read my “no pants are the best pants” shirt). 

Speeding along, I get to the Newburgh hospital and look further down on the google result for Evansville breast center - 520 Mary St Evansville. 

Now some words came out of my mouth that I’m not going to type here, but before I tore off to downtown Evansville, I checked the actual appointment in MyChart and I *am* supposed to be in Newburgh. Whew. 

I find a place to park but the car won’t let me leave. Usually this means you are walking away with your keys still in the car. But no. The keys are in my purse, outside the car. Open the door. Close the door. BEEEEP. Oh. I forgot to turn the car off. Stupid fancy push button. 

Anyway I make it in and immediately hear a newborn. Like a right *now* being born baby and the chimes sound and now I’m in the breast center reception area ugly crying. 

Happy Thursday, y’all, and be sure to get yer bewbies smashed on a regular basis. It is an adventure.

Edit to add: post-smashing I can say that it hurts like a 7 on the pain scale, especially when they do it for a second time at a 45° angle. 3 hours later I still have red marks. Seems Susan G Komen could figure out something that didn’t hurt so much along with all that “awareness “ they’re spreading.

"Coming Out" of My Head

My normal?

Crippling anxiety. Debilitating headaches. And living with my 'depression voice'. I named it that when I dealt with a particularly serious bout of depression in 2008. In the leadership class I teach, we call it negative self-talk. But just like my anxiety occurs on a grander scale than most and my headache isn't the same as your headache, this isn't normal doubt about your self-worth. This isn't being sad. It's not even that feeling when you lose a loved one. My depression voice speaks to me every day, every hour, telling me I'm not good enough. Telling me I'm a burden to my loved ones. Telling me life's not worth it. Luring me into dark, quiet rooms for three hour naps. The fantasy of television. The anonymity of the Internet. Pulling me into bed at night, with promises of a quiet sleep that never materializes. Keeping me from friends, from family, from enjoying the things I used to love, like scrapbooking and reading and blogging and leaving the house. Honestly, from leaving my bedroom.

I know what you're thinking. Wow, you need therapy.

You think? I've tried that.
Seriously?!
Tell me how you feel. Like a big pile of crap.
Why do you think you have those feelings? I'm pretty sure it's a chemical imbalance in my brain exacerbated by stress. What is your job here?!
Have you ever thought of harming yourself? Like, who would say yes to that?!?! That's a one-way ticket to the loony bin. And don't think I haven't thought of taking that little vacation from reality. A few days of eating, sleeping, wearing pajamas, and chatting with a group of people who feel the same way? Sign me up!

Scientists have no idea how the brain really works. I recently learned there have been three theories around negative self-talk. (1) First, we decided you needed to find the events that triggered the thoughts in order to prevent them. Stress bad. Avoid stress. Oh. Easy. Ahem. (2) Next, the experts said we needed to just prove to ourselves the thoughts simply weren't true. I'll probably get a mediocre review with no bonus. False. My students trust me, people laugh at my jokes, and my survey scores chart higher than average. (3) The latest theory says that these thoughts are just chemical misfires in the brain that you can willfully ignore. I'm worthless. Hmmm, no I'm not. I'm not going to recognize that as valid. Next. Oooh, there's a shrimp sale at The Crab Crib! Duly noted. Next.

How is someone asking me how I feel going to help? How can I relate the last 25 years of my life to complete stranger and expect them to "fix me" all in the course of 50 minutes? When Aly was two, I tried a local therapist. He took my history at his desk with his back to me, verified that all my kids had the same baby-daddy, and condescendingly explained post-partum depression. I left his office in tears, feeling violated. He obviously didn't hear the part where this was my only normal newborn to toddler experience.

But you have a job, you think. How can you do your job?

True. I do have a job. A job that requires me at least every other week to get on a plane (or two) and stand up in front of a room of 100 newly hired people to teach them about our company. A job that starts at 7 AM and doesn't end until dinner is finished at 9 PM. And every other week I do that job. And I'm good at it. Actually, I'm great at it. I will be rated "exceeds expectations" this year.

Except some nights,during training weeks, I don't make it to dinner. Some nights, I collapse into bed at 6PM. Some mornings I wake up with a debilitating headache and a voice that tries to convince me to stay in bed. But I'd like to keep my job (because I once almost lost it, seriously), so I take a handful of Excedrin on top of my regular medication. Some lunches are spent in the ladies room, just breathing, trying to stop the shaking. And more than once I have frozen. Stopped mid-sentence. Looked at my co–facilitator and said "Can you take this?", and working with a high performing team, I've a gotten away with it. But most weeks, I do it. Most weeks, I'm a rockstar. Then I come home. And those weeks, those are the dark ones. It's like I only have so much energy, and I spend that energy at work. I spend that energy on "happy Tonya". And the real me is crumpled, broken mess. A ball of pain, and anxiety, and darkness. In fact, recently I've begun to wonder if my clinically diagnosed depression is actually bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression). My work schedule may perpetuate the weekly cycling. Is it mania showing during my rock star work weeks? Am I just putting on a front those days I collapse into bed? If I trusted a therapist, maybe I'd go in for a new diagnosis. But for what? A label? Different drugs?

I know it's not fair. I know I'm shortchanging my family, my friends. Even myself. But I don't know what to do.
More drugs? I'm pretty sure my family doctor isn't going there. The last time I went in because I was feeling the slide into darkness, he asked the usual "hurt yourself or others" question and I gave the usual "of course not" answer. He said, and I am not making this up, "oh good. That really makes me look bad."
Therapy? Oh, I tried it again. My last therapist couldn't hold a normal adult conversation. She copied dozens of pages out of pop-psychology books and handed them to me at each of the two appointments I kept. She also recommended I do some Bible studies.
Ok, let's talk about Jesus. A random idiot on Facebook responded to a post about depression saying it was caused by spiritual warfare and depressed people just weren't praying hard enough. I do believe in God, and by extension, the spiritual realm. One of my favorite books is This Present Darkness by Frank Paretti, which tells the struggle of humans through the eyes of the angels that watch over them. But, NEWS FLASH, Christians can suffer from anxiety and depression just like they can suffer from diabetes or cancer or MS. The joy of the Lord is my strength. YEAH, and the chemicals in my brain are my weakness.

So do I just keep going? Can I? When will my energy run out? When will the darkness take over? When will it all just stop?

Inside My Head

The Saturday that started as a normal day blurred into a Sunday, a Mother's Day, that wasn't. And now nothing's normal. Even a year later. Nothing.

Now, every "normal" day could be abnormal. Now, I can't fall asleep because of the racing thoughts in my mind. Now, random lines from songs play over and over in my head, like a broken record, keeping me from focusing. Now, I have horrible nightmares where the people I love won't speak to me, where they leave me, alone. Now, when I wake up, I imagine all of the horrible things that could go wrong with the day before I even sit up. My heart rate soars. I can have chest pains for days. It is hard to leave the house. I can barely drive a car. When my husband isn't home, he has to text me before and after he drives because I imagine horrible accidents taking him from me. I am perpetually on the verge of tears. I prepare to attend family events, dinners with friends, even trips to see my daughter, and invariably, I can't. I can't leave the house.

It's anxiety, you think. You can take medicine for that, you think.

I do, every night. If I don't, I'm completely out of control, a nervous wreck, wringing my hands, physically shaking, unable to stay still, but paralyzed with fear. Recently, due to poor planning on my part, I went five days without my anxiety medication. I couldn't make the simplest of decisions. I couldn't work. I lost one day to a migraine and had chest pains for three. I was terrified of driving to the doctor's office. After a 30 minute wait and three minutes with the nurse, I got to see the doctor, the general practitioner who was my mom's doctor too. "How's the medicine working? No side effects? Yeah, I gotta bring you in here every six months to be sure you're not - I don't know - dead. :eye roll: Obamacare." 90 seconds later I was on my way home to wait for the text from CVS. Quality healthcare in Nowhere, IN.

So, yes, medicine helps, but it's still not normal. It's just in your head, you say. Oh, I know. I know it's not rational. But I can't make it stop. People don't understand.

Try this: Imagine you are asleep while a loved one is out of town. Now imagine you are startled awake by a phone call from an unfamiliar voice identifying as law enforcement. Can you imagine that feeling, adrenaline and fear and confusion and helplessness? Capture that flash, that feeling. And imagine it continues for hours. For days. That's my normal.

And it's not just anxiety; it's chronic daily headaches. Yes, for nearly my entire life, every day my head would hurt. Just like my sister thought not seeing out of one eye was normal, or at least couldn't be fixed, I thought everyone's head hurt all the time and a headache was when it got really bad. About seven years ago I had an MRI (for another reason) and the neurologist discovered a Chiari I malformation (my brain hangs out of the bottom of my skull and compresses my spinal fluid). On the 1-10 pain scale, I usually have a constant "one" ache. Think of a headache you'd take drugs for. A hangover headache. A headache when you have a cold. Sinus pain. You might call that a two or three. That is my one. Every day, from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. It often moves to a two. At three, I take Excedrin (this would be your six, where you might go to the ER). Most days I don't take medication, I just deal, because the rebound when the medication wears off is worse than when it started. At four, I take Excedrin, a nap, and a cold pack into a dark room. A four or five can wake me in the middle of the night. This happened last week when I forgot to take my preventive meds the night before. 5:00am, awake to severe pain. It was too late to fix and I spent all day in bed. In a hotel.

In February, I had an eight. All day. Yes, where ten is childbirth without drugs (my first, trying to be tough), my entire head had a constant, sharp pain equivalent to 80% of that. Even swapping three Excedrin and three Motrin every two hours didn't provide any relief, To combat the pain, I pulled my hair, applied pressure with my knuckles, massaged my head and neck, slapped at my scalp, cried, and wished I was dead. Literally. Dead. These are the symptoms of cluster headaches. I don't know what causes these types of headaches. I cannot even identify a trigger for the worst ones.

I started taking Butterbur extract twice a day in March (on a recommendation from a learner who saw me devolve into a migraine in the middle of class and stagger out of the room), and rarely get anything above a three now. My neurologist recently adjusted my other medication, and the daily headaches are almost gone. Now I only have one or two headaches a week, and they don't last all day.

I still get the occasional migraine, where I don't necessarily have severe head pain but lose my vision, throw up, and/or hallucinate. I must immediately escape all light and sound. I can't watch TV or use a phone or computer. I can't read or write. I can't listen to music. I usually lose an entire day in bed. If I recognize the trigger (cologne, change in the weather, bright sunlight, high anxiety) in time, I can reduce the severity with a prescription medication that leaves me feeling foggy and unable to process my thoughts or have a lucid conversation. Yes, that is the better alternative.

That is my normal. Anxiety. Headaches. Oh, and depression. More about that next time.

Pink can suck it

After spending time with my sisters cleaning out my mom's closets, we were all a mess. There was a pile of shirts, hats, scarves, and assorted crap with the damn pink ribbon on it. We determined there'd be a "pink can suck it" table at our next yard sale. What does pink do? Yes, local chapters say they provide mammograms for women. That can be lifesaving. In fact, some of Mom's medical bills were covered, after she died. But pink didn't find a cure. It hasn't in over 30 years with $2.5 billion. So what does it do? How can we NOT have a cure? How are there still hundreds of diseases with no cure, despite billions of dollars in donations and research? Why are we pouring this money into causes that make no discernible progress when people in other countries don't have simple antibiotics or clean water? When children in America go hungry at night? I don't know. And that sucks.

Anxiety

Anxiety doesn't need a reason. 

We encourage people to think of anxiety and depression like other diseases, such as high blood pressure, but it's not as easy to tie these conditions back to a cause. Sometimes, they just happen. I suppose like you can be genetically predisposed to diabetes. Or someone with no symptoms or health issues dies peacefully in their sleep. 

I'm hanging at home, one if my favorite tv shows on. Kids and family safe and sound. Finished with work by 1pm today. Starting a fun new job in the same company. No stress. 

But last night before bed and right now, I have sharp chest pains, pressure, and a feeling of being trapped. Tension all over. Headache on the verge of a barftastic migraine. 

What is causing this? I don't know. 

What will make it go away? No idea.

What stinks is that sometimes this condition paralyzes me from normal interactions. I can't visit my mom or drive to a kid's birthday party. And how do you explain to someone that you are missing an event because your body won't let you leave the house?

I don't know. 

I don't think you do either, but in the throes of this stupid attack, I just wanted someone to hear me and maybe understand. 

My Mammy

No, not an older female relative, my mammogram.
With Mom's history of breast cancer, I really shouldn't have waited until I was 40 to have my baseline mammogram, but I did. There was no getting out of it now.

I have to say it hurt about as much as I anticipated, and I was not expecting that "sideways smoosh" at the 45 degree angle.

But hey, it's done and I am fine. Initial results are "all clear"

I still say if this is how a prostate exam was done, science would have found a better way a LONG time ago.

Somebody get a map. And a calculator.

I know it has been a while since I blogged. I have a bunch of stuff drafted that I haven't finished. But this you need to hear while it is fresh in my mind.

First off, someone go get a to-scale map of the Detroit airport (that is DTW). If you are reading this, you know how to Google. Go on.

I haven't had to travel for work in nearly six weeks. I had a marvelous two week vacation (some of those posts I haven't finished), but I left Tuesday for DC. Well, you have to know there's going to be a travel story now. There always is, isn't there?

If you don't have a calculator on your desk, there's one on your "start" button, under accessories. Get that fired up. Oh you know you want to. Do it.

My original flight Tuesday was supposed to leave at 11 am. At 9am, just before I was going to finish packing for the airport, I got a phone call that my flight was canceled, but I had been booked on the next available flight ... at 1:45pm. Super. Now instead of getting in around 5 (ET), it would be 9pm. Well, so I got a little more work done before I left.

Okay, I know at least one of you is wondering what to do with the map. Find gate C66. Now find B16. Figure out how far it is from C66 to B16. In miles. It had to be miles. It FELT like miles. Make sure you add in the distance of the tunnel between Terminal C and B. The one with the freaky new age music and flashing lights that could trigger epilepsy.

My flight through Cincy was uneventful, though my three hour wait could have been a little more pleasant. But then I arrived in DC an hour later than expected. There was no gate available. So we sat on the tarmac. In a severe lightning storm. In a giant metal tube. It was pretty though. Giant ribbons of lightning striking all around. Ground crew running for cover. Fun times.

Okay, let's Google some more. How many calories might one burn if one JOGGED that distance from C66 to B16?
Carrying a laptop bag (with laptop, power cord, mouse, iPod, Blackberry, cell phone, purse, wallet, book.... You get it. Add "carrying 23 lbs" to your calculations.)
Dragging a suitcase. (My NEW suitcase because Delta BROKE my other one. This one has a wonky wheel. It doesn't drive straight. It crashes into people. It runs over my toes.)
In flip flops. You know, because they are more comfortable than dress shoes. I should have went with the Reeboks.
Oh, and I was out of paper in the home office so add a ream of paper to the weight of the suitcase (so the firm wouldn't have to pay Office Depot to deliver). We gotta be up to 58 lbs now.

Before I left for the airport this afternoon, coworkers started IMing and calling me to tell me that there was a power outage at Washington Reagan. That can't be good. But the CNN story said backup power was allowing folks through security and planes to take off. By the time I got there (very speedily, I might add. The cab driver did 85 mph on the GW Parkway), the power was on, the security lines weren't so bad, and McDonald's was back to making chicken sandwiches. The planes were backed up though, and we left about an hour late.

Shout out to my online friend Lala for inspiring me to start walking. Otherwise, I never would have made it from C66 to B16 in less than 15 minutes. Oh, and I got quite a few neck stretches in, looking at the departure boards every time I sped past. Evansville was blinking "BOARDING" the whole way. I was sweating my a$$ off {{Yes, Patricia, because I was wearing PANTS. Not a skirt. PANTS.), but I was going to make it! And get a workout!

Now, the plane to Detroit was completely full. Every seat was filled. And I was in row 25. In the middle seat. Hey, I had a book to read. And, they had those cool touch screens in the seat back in front of me. But it had no sound. So I made a playlist of Fleetwood Mac, Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga. Then I read my book. Until the pilot announced that Detroit was having storms so we'd be circling for a while. But not too long, because we were almost out of gas, so we might take a side trip to Cleveland. Hey, I was just there! (another unfinished blog post)

By now you must have figured out I missed the connection in Detroit. I got to B16 to see them pushing the plane from the gate. And the screen still flashed "BOARDING". (Seriously. There were SIX of us on delayed flights. They couldn't have delayed the Evansville flight for FIFTEEN MINUTES?!??! At least update the status so I could have strolled from gate C66.) How many calories did I burn? I hope it is enough to offset the chicken fingers, french fries and chocolate cake I just ordered from room service.

But all is well that ends well, right? I work for a great firm that found me a hotel within a mile of the airport with a free shuttle. Free wi-fi. Fridge and microwave. And, of course, the aforementioned room service. The client will reimburse for the hotel and an extra day of food ... even if they didn't, the firm would pick it up.

So here I am, showered, in my jammies, blogging, watching The Learning Channel (why do you have ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN U, ESPN Classic but no Discovery, Syfy, A&E, or Biography?), sipping Diet Coke, and about to inhale a giant piece of chocolate cake. I've got the USA Today, my book, and my iPod.

I have to spend time traveling tomorrow, but then I'm taking the rest of the day off to play with my kids.

Life is good.

I'm not usually a wuss

when it comes to pain, but Daaaayaaaamm Gina, this muscle spasm is going to kill me. I am not sure what I did to myself, as the pain started gradually Friday evening. Since then, it has gotten much worse, so today Mike forced me to go to the doctor. I got a steroid shot in the buttom, which seemed to help a little, and a script for a muscle relaxer, which did absolutely nothing for me except put me to sleep. Which was nice because I haven't slept much starting Friday night.

So I just took another pill to see if I can walk without looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Wait, strike that. I'm not allowed to say "ND" in the house. I'm looking like Igor.

I will say that it seems a strawberry daquiri takes the edge off the pain. I had one at Pam's house last night while we played poker and scrabble and had pizza and strombolis. We're thinking it is a new Phillips Family Fun Night tradition.

In other news, I actually am *not* daring enough to travel to DC today, given the blizzard of '09. I canceled my Mon-Tues trip and will be working from home. Or whining from home should my neck hurt this bad again tomorrow. I am wondering if lugging that computer bag around DC last week was my undoing. I have a rolling bag but it is very heavy -- when I have to carry it up and down stairs at the airport. Maybe I'll break out the backpack.

And for now, I think I need chocolate. Or ice cream. Or chocolate ice cream.

Recovered

I think.
It has been a CRAZY week for all of us, but especially me because I thought I was dying. I keep blaming Chinese food (actually, sushi) but I'm starting to think I had the flu.

It started last Tuesday when I had some chills and just didn't feel right. I thought maybe the change in the weather (first sweatshirt of the season!) was it, but I didn't feel so hot the next afternoon either. I didn't eat dinner with the family because my tummy was a bit upset, but had some Raisin Bran later. Mistake.

In the midst of my fave show, Ghost Hunters, the barfing began. Aly helped me as long as she could, but soon Mom had to come over to help. I think she held by hand till 1am or so.

I felt a lot better the next day, but it took a good 48 hrs or so before I really felt ok. Mike plied me with Sonic fruit slushes and asked 72 times if there was anything he could do or get for me. I love that guy.

By Saturday morning I was well enough to go hang out at Mom's yard sale for a few hours and made $47. Then I bought $30 of stuff from my relatives. The kids hung with Mom Saturday night. When I went to get them Sunday, Zak was covered in a bright red rash, even on the palms of his hands. A search on WebMD helped me to diagnose mono. Apparently, mono is often misdiagnosed as strep. When you have mono and take antibiotics, you get a rash. Yep. It's mono. Poor kid.

But, I'm definitely okay now, as evidenced by the pork chops and shells & cheese I devoured at Mom's tonight. Now I think I need a vacation. :)

I was sick!

It is the week of the monthly briefing to the client, so back to DC on the dreaded 6am flight out of Evansville on Tuesday. I hadn't been feeling so great over the weekend, or on Monday, but I didn't think I was sick. I was. It was as we decended into Cincinatti that my ears began to scream in pain. And then again as we decended into DC. I made it through Tuesday okay, but I woke up at 4am Wednesday with a horrible head cold. Since I didn't want to spread the germs, I worked from the hotel room that day -- calling in to the four and a half hour meeting.

Dayquil. I love Dayquil.

My flight was oversold on Thursday, but I got the last seat. The one that is right behind the kitchen, with no storage space. It's okay, I had a great book to keep me company. It kept me giggling too. At one point I was in tears from laughing so hard. My seat mates would have asked to be reseated if there were any other place to sit.

So, I made it home, and besides that whole sick thing, this was a pretty good trip. Maybe my luck is turning :knocksfuriouslyonwood:

Finally feeling better

All week I've had a headache and felt nauseous.
FINALLY, this morning I woke up without a headache. I'm so excited!
We are headed to DC to walk around. Maybe we'll go to a museum.
Yay for feeling better!!

ETA: It started raining so we went shopping instead. I got a bunch of new work clothes. Then I took a nap. Now we're going to a movie.
Mike and I haven't spent so much time together in a long while. It's been a great day.
And still no headache!!

Mondays make me tired

Seriously. Why is it that I'm ready for bed by 7:30 on Mondays?
Lots of meetings today, but with my brand new attitude, it was no problem.

I'll be in the office the rest of the week, maybe I can work from home on Friday.

I hope that y'all had a good first day back at work, or maybe a good day at home if the kids were back at school.

And, just to prove I'm a brand new me, I had a short call with my wellness coach today for a status check and there wasn't even a BLIP on the depression scale. WOOT WOOT. Next step: lose weight. I've already cut down on my food consumption (eat only when you are hungry; what a concept!), so now it is all about the workouts. I'm not looking forward to getting started, but I know once I do, I will like it. And you'll hear all about it. :)

Victory!

This is the first month in a long time that I have not had a migraine! Meds from the neurologist and cutting my caffiene have worked on my daily headaches, but I had no hope for the monthly migraines. In addition to the rx, I took two Aleve last night. I was a little tired this afternoon (and had a nappy), but NO headache!!!

WOOT WOOT!!

Thanks be to God and Dr. Fishman!

Dude, where'd the day go?

I slept from lunchtime till dinner. :yawn:
I dunno if I just need sleep or if the double dose of meds is doing me in.

I do know that it cannot happen tomorrow, because I have nonstop meetings from 9 am - 5 pm and my ASL class (I missed the last one, plus we skipped Thanksgiving week) at 7:15. No napping in the office. And I need to check my vacation balance ... all this down time is harshing my groove with respect to future time off.

All is well!

Well, as long as you are ok with having five millimeters of the cerebellar tonsils beneath the foramen magnum pushing into the cervical spinal canal, aka a Chiari Type 1 Malformation. Now, let me anticipate your questions.

Holy carp! What the heck is it?
My brain is unbalanced -- wait, that is not the right word -- shifted? to the rear of my skull. Where there should be free space against the back of my head, there is brain (see photos at the link above). This means that some of it (5 mm worth) is pushing out through the hole in my skull where my spinal cord attaches. Clearly my enormous brain is just too big for its cranium.

How'd you get this?
This occurs during fetal development. I was born with it! It has nothing to do with the time I fell on the back of my head during roller skating and knocked myself out.

How common is this?
The prevalence in the general population has been estimated at slightly less than one in 1000. And I thought I was one in a million!

How did you find it?
Chiari malformations are often detected coincidently among patients who have undergone diagnostic imaging for unrelated reasons. My MRI was to find a reason for my headaches. Turns out, I don't have one other than lack of sleep and work/family stress, also known as "life."

What are the symptoms?
Many people with Chiari I malformation have no symptoms. However, any of the following symptoms may occur, alone or in combination.

Severe head and neck pain Actually I have another name for MY pain in the neck. :cough:teenager:cough:
An occipital headache felt at the base of the skull that is made worse by coughing, sneezing, or straining hmmm, not yelling at the dog to shut up?
Drop attacks – collapsing to the ground due to muscle weakness what about due to hysterical fits of laughter while playing with Aly?
Spasticity look it up for the formal definition. no, you may not call me spastic.
Dizziness no comments here either
Balance problems since none of the rest apply, I'm not sure I can claim this as a reason for being a klutz
Double or blurred vision this is one that I'll watch for and report in if it occurs
Hypersensitivity to bright lights only during a migraine, which, by the way, the doc says to treat with two Aleve when I know its coming

What are you going to do about it?
Chiari I malformations that are asymptomatic should be left alone. There is no indication for "prophylactic" surgery on these. If the malformation is defined as symptomatic, or is causing a syrinx (a fluid filled cavity in the spinal cord), treatment is usually recommended. My doc says he's not retiring any time soon, so I should come back in three years for another MRI, but I'll probably be fine for the next 38 years.

Actually, they are changing some meds around, so that my headaches, which have gotten less severe, potentially go away altogether. So that is it, the story of my abnormally large brain. Thanks to all for your support while I freaked out.



*most scientifical info was copied from Neurosurgery Today.org

It's probably been there my whole life

Yes, I do have a brain, but apparently it has an abnormality that has been growing right along with it.
Most of you are not surprised to hear that I am abnormal.
It seems that the MRI shows something weird, but don't worry, we can see you next Tuesday. Good gravy.
The nurse says these things are "usually benign."

All done

No big deal if you aren't claustrophobic, and I'm not. It wasn't the most fun thing I've ever done, but it didn't kill me. The doc should call with the results in a few days. Now we'll know for sure if I have a brain in there.

M. R. I.

Holy Carp! The neurologist ordered an MRI and I almost forgot it was scheduled for tonight. I thought the insurance would deny the request, but I just called and it is approved. I haven't thought about this at all, but now I'm going and scared out of my brain. MRIs are not fun, so I've heard. Wonder if the scan will show something weird if I'm singing Jesus-music in my head the whole time?

I'm a new woman!!

I went to the neurologist yesterday and he believes my morning headaches are related to my caffeine intake. I need to cut down. But he also thinks I'm having tension headaches, and he gave me some new meds to take at night.

I woke up this morning like a new woman! No headache. Not tired. I feel really good. I hope it lasts all day, especially since I'm cutting caffiene in half. Well, maybe next week.

I'm toast, but make that proud toast

I stopped working about an hour ago, but I feel pretty good about what I accomplished today, well, the past few days.

I feel like I have a good plan for moving forward -- focusing on things that not only add value to the client, but things I like to do. I'll be coordinating site visits for the team, and working on some national training sessions & job aids. I'll still be the main client contact, but I'll be less bogged down in the day-to-day and more focused on people and how they are doing.

I am scheduled to be in the office on Tuesday and Wednesday. Not sure I'll make it all day but I'm going to give it a shot. I still have a couple of performance evals to do before Monday, but I need a little more down time today. TGIF!