50 (yes fifty!!) Things You've Never Been Asked

They’re right. I don’t think I’ve done these before.

1. What is the color of your toothbrush? White
2. Name one person who made you smile today? People posting internet memes
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? reading internet memes
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? well, that was 8:05, so ...
5. What is your favorite candy bar? 3 Musketeers unless Reese’s cups count as candy bars
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? Yep, for 5 seconds. Whoooopsie
7. What is the last thing you said?  have a good weekend
8. What is your favorite ice cream? Mint Chocolate Chip
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? water
10. Do you like your wallet? Yes its a Thirty-One and I have it in 2 colors
11. What was the last thing you ate? A Reese’s cup
13. The last sporting event you watched on tv? Some football game last weekend when Mike was here
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Some kinda cheese
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? My Honey
16. Ever go camping? Yes. I have video. And PTSD.
17. Do you take vitamins daily? Vitamin D
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? Not any more
19. Do you have a tan? No
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Yes
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? Yes but I rarely drink soda
22. What did your last text message say? Luvluv gnite
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Lesson plans
25. Look to your left, what do you see? Boris the Yeti
26. What color is your watch? Tan strap. Garfield and Pooky on the face
27. What do you think of when you hear Australia? G’day mate
29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive through? Drive thru always....
30. What is your favorite number? 13
31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone? My Honey
32. Any plans today? Entering homework grades, grading quizzes, bingeing season 2 of 24
33. How many states have you lived in? 4
34. Biggest annoyance right now? Students who try to manipulate me to get out of homework. I should wear a bodycam so parents can see their kids in action.
35. Last song listened too? My playlist! I think Angel by Sarah MacLachlan
36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Yes
38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Are you kidding? I match my outfit.
39. Are you jealous of anyone? Ha! I’m living my life long dream!
40. Is anyone jealous of you? idk Probably people who hate their jobs.
41. Do you love anyone? A whole lotta people
42. Do any of your friends have children? & grandchildren. Yes (I think this might have originated with the younger crowd.
43. What do you usually do during the day? Classes, chapel, classes, lunch, classes, office hours, grading, lesson planning
44. Do you hate anyone right now? Hate is not a part of me. Now I can get riled up over uninformed or just mean people.
45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Yes
46. What are you doing right now? Avoiding grading
48. Are you thinking about someone right now? My momma has been on my mind since Wednesday
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes
50. How did you get your worst scar? Falling down the up escalator at the West Springfield metro. That’s perpetual motion people. I have escalator marks in my knee. And PTSD.

It's That Time of Year

My mammogram was scheduled today and I was so excited about it, I drove to Deaconess downtown, where they haven’t done mammograms for 18 mo (says the nice elderly gentleman trying not to read my “no pants are the best pants” shirt). 

Speeding along, I get to the Newburgh hospital and look further down on the google result for Evansville breast center - 520 Mary St Evansville. 

Now some words came out of my mouth that I’m not going to type here, but before I tore off to downtown Evansville, I checked the actual appointment in MyChart and I *am* supposed to be in Newburgh. Whew. 

I find a place to park but the car won’t let me leave. Usually this means you are walking away with your keys still in the car. But no. The keys are in my purse, outside the car. Open the door. Close the door. BEEEEP. Oh. I forgot to turn the car off. Stupid fancy push button. 

Anyway I make it in and immediately hear a newborn. Like a right *now* being born baby and the chimes sound and now I’m in the breast center reception area ugly crying. 

Happy Thursday, y’all, and be sure to get yer bewbies smashed on a regular basis. It is an adventure.

Edit to add: post-smashing I can say that it hurts like a 7 on the pain scale, especially when they do it for a second time at a 45° angle. 3 hours later I still have red marks. Seems Susan G Komen could figure out something that didn’t hurt so much along with all that “awareness “ they’re spreading.

Ten Things Your Mom Never Told You

This meme(?) made its way around Facebook this week and I couldn't help but want to slightly change the wording here. 

My kids are 21 and 16, so I feel like I've got some great in(hind)sight to give you. 

Ten Things Your Mom Was Really Thinking 

(with apologies to HuffPost) 

(and my kids) 

1. You made her cry ... a lot. But mostly you gave her great fodder for Facebook. And blogs. And tweets.

2. She wanted that last piece of pie. So she waited for you to go to bed, then she ate it. There was ice cream too. 

3. It hurt. Especially without an epidural.  She never forgot that. 

4. She was always afraid. Of you entering a room without knocking. And that you'd find the ice cream. 

5. She knows she's not perfect. But she'll never stop correcting your grammar. 

6. She watched you as you slept. And she could tell when you were hiding your phone and faking it. 

7. She carried you a lot longer than nine months. Until she forced you to go to college and get your own damn place. 

8. It broke her heart every time you cried. Except that time you broke the living room ottoman with a body slam. You deserved those bruises. 

9. She put you first. On the list of why she drinks. 

10. She would do it all again. As long as there's ice cream. 

Flight Announcement

Yes, I travel a lot. And by now, I have that flight announcement script down pat. I especially like the chick in the Delta video. Anyway, if something changes, I know it and here are some of the things I've heard, interspersed with the actual "normal" text. I love it when I have a flight attendant with a sense of humor. Even better is a Captain who loves his job....

Good morning, this is Captain Lert and First Officer Wide Awake here on Delta Connection flight 5123. Please listen to all of our flight attendant's announcements and he'll get out the cart with the cold coffee and flat soda. If Detroit wasn't in your travel plans today, it is about to be. This is a CRJ200 aircraft. If you have any questions, please write them on a $20 bill and pass them forward. Thank you for flying Delta, and the next time you choose to hurtle through the atmosphere in a high speed pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us. Now, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight, or lean forward all scrunched up, it's your choice.  

Then there is the exit row seating briefing...
They told you up there at the gate that you are seated in an exit row, but they're afraid you might forget, so I have to remind you down here. You are in an exit row. You must be over the age of 15 to sit in an exit row. Ladies, I'll check your IDs later.

And this is a compilation of what I've actually heard from flight attendants (yes, I keep a notepad at the ready to capture the funny stuff). Alexis was the most hilarious, but once a guy did the whole thing with an Australian accent and the girls in the aisle could not hold it together.

Hello, my name is Alexis but I will also answer to "the Queen" or "Your Highness". Welcome to our Barbie fun jet. Anything larger than a toaster oven will not fit on this plane in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of you. If you ever want to see your luggage again, you must comply with lighted signs, posted placards, crew instructions, and the voices in my head.

Smoking is not allowed on any Delta aircraft, and Federal law prohibits tampering with, disabling, or destroying a lavatory smoke detector, plus you'll receive a really embarrassing beatdown by Lulu, my imaginary friend. Anyone caught smoking will be asked to step out onto the wing, which is our designated smoking area.

In case you haven't been in a moving vehicle since the 1950's, here is how to fasten your seatbelt -- place the metal tip into the buckle, and tighten the straps so that it fits low and tight across your hips. To release, lift the top of the buckle. During the flight, the fasten seatbelt sign may be turned off, and you can feel free to move about our spacious cabin; however, for your safety, we require that you keep your seatbelt fastened at all times while seated as we cannot predict rough air or pilot aerobatics.

If cabin pressure should change, panels above your seat will open revealing a jungle of oxygen masks. No, its not Halloween. Once you sit down, buckle up, stop screaming and waving your arms, reach up and pull a mask towards you. Place it over your nose and mouth, and secure with the elastic band, that can be adjusted to ensure a snug fit. Remember to breathe normally. Yes, don't forget to breathe. The plastic bag will not fully inflate, although oxygen is flowing. Secure your own mask first before helping others. If you are traveling with a child, secure your mask first. If you are traveling with more than one child, please choose your favorite or the one who shows the most potential.

Life vests are located beneath, or between your seats. Remove the vest from the pouch by pulling on the tab. Place the vest over your head, and fasten the straps to the front of the vest. Adjust the straps loosely around your waist. As you leave the aircraft, inflate the vest by pulling down on the red tabs, or manually inflate by blowing into the tubes on either side. A light can be activated in the water by pulling down on the tab in front. Do not inflate your life vest inside the aircraft. In the event our aircraft decides to become the Costa Concordia, your seat bottom cushion can be used as a flotation device. Pull the cushion from the seat, slip your arms into the straps, and hold on for dear life.

To prepare for our final countdown for blastoff, please store your tray table, bring your seat upright, and discontinue the use of all electronic devices. Anything with an on/off switch must be turned off. This includes iPhones, iPods, iPads, eReaders, Blackberrys and other fruit. If it is not keeping you alive, turn it off. Contrary to popular belief you can live without your Blackberry. So, turn it off. 

I'll be dimming the cabin lights to enhance the looks of our early morning crew. Your reading light is located above your head, as is the flight attendant call button. If you push it too often, it will eject you from the aircraft.

Arrrrr! Happy Saturd'y t' ye!

It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day! May ye plunder some booty t'day.
And if yer wantin' t' talk like me, try the Pirate Speak Translator.

Happy Halloween from Pook!

And, below, a picture of boobees that I got in an email ...


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How I read the paper

New additions

I added our family portrait and some pagepets (the ghosts and bat) from pYzam. Here's a little game too! Turn on your volume and enjoy :)

Happy Birthday Bigfoot!

You don't believe me? Check here: Bigfoot
I *told* you he was real.

If you aren't LinkedIn, you are the only one.

Let's Shoot the Sheep

An addicting game from Aunt Linda

Reaction Time

Iz Caturday

LOLCats, i show u dem

International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

Arrrrr, me hopes ya didn't miss it!!

My pirate name is:

Dread Pirate Kidd

Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.

Blog Challenge: Fun with Names

A Blog Challenge from my friends at ScrapFreak.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Tiger Caravan

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Reeses Sandies

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) Tedwa (ok, I had to add another letter so you could pronounce it)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Purple Kitten

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Denise Evansville

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) Edwato (yes, I added the "a" again)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink put "The") The Black Fruit Smoothie (c'mon "The Black Diet Pepsi" is just stupid)

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Carl Amos

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy) Velocity Skittles

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's & father's middle names) Kaye Eugene

Not that I'd condone this

but I just love this song.

So I've been in charge of dinner

and Mike sends me THIS cartoon.


We had Chinese takeout tonight.

What American accent do you have?

Sent to me by my husband, who never sends me this kind of stuff. But hey, it pegged me for sure!! Enjoy

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The South
The Inland North
Philadelphia
Boston
North Central
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

oh THIS should be a hoot

First, in case you missed my initial post, you have to check out this recent ad I saw in the paper.

This meme is from Perri. She's a riot, but I can't imagine anyone else having more unique answers than me on this one. The subject? Housekeeping from A to Z.

Aprons – Y/N? If Y, what does your favorite look like?
I have one with sunflowers on it to match the kitchen decor, but I have never, ever put it on. I'm more likely to give one as a gift.

Baking – Favorite thing to bake
Potatoes. In the microwave.

Clothesline – Y/N?
No way! I don't allow wrestling moves in the house.

Donuts – Have you ever made them?
"Made" them? You just take them out of the box!?

Everyday – One homemaking thing you do every day
uh. every day? Can I come back to this one?

Freezer – Do you have a separate deep freeze?
No. You put restaurant leftovers in the refrigerator side.

Garbage Disposal – Y/N?
Not any more. The one in our rental house died. This means I cannot dump my non-empty plate in the sink or Mike will yell at me.

Handbook – What is your favorite homemaking resource?
Mike.

Ironing – Love it or hate it?
I haven't used an iron in ages. Maybe once I get my hair trimmed I'll try curls again.

Junk drawer – Y/N? Where is it?
Actually no. We leave it all on the counter.

Kitchen – Color and decorating scheme.
White cabinets and some apples. The last house was decorated with sunflowers, so there's a mix going on.

Love – What is your favorite part of homemaking?
Mike.

Mop – Y/N?
Ok, I do like the Swiffer, but now I've taught the kids to use it and I love it even more.

Nylons – Wash by hand or in the washing machine?
By hand. Usually in the hotel sink.

Oven – Do you use the window or open the oven to check?
Even though you shouldn't press your face against the microwave or your brain will cook, I do use the window.

Pizza – What do you put on yours?
Nothing. I like it just how Vinnie's makes it. Oh, maybe a napkin to soak up the grease.

Quiet – What do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?
Ask the folks on the other end of the conference call if they have any further issues to discuss.

Recipe card box – Y/N? What does it look like?
I made one for my sister that was painted white then added some stickers and inside the top was her 'kitchen' themed bridal shower invitation. I'm crafty like that.

Style of house – What style is your house?
1960's bilevel with hardwood floors. Still full of moving boxes.

Tablecloths and napkins – Y/N?
I strongly dislike tablecloths. One wrong move and dinner is on the floor. Plus then you've got one more thing for the laundry. Napkins, yes, paper. And the kids won't use them.

Under the kitchen sink – Organized or toxic wasteland?
There's space under the kitchen sink?

Vacuum – How many times per week?
I make Zak do the basement every Saturday.

Wash – How many loads of laundry do you do per week?
BAAA HAAA HAAA HAAAAA

X’s – Do you keep a daily list of things to do that you cross off?
Yes. I am a type A personality. But nothing on my list has anything to do with housekeeping.

Yard – Y/N? Who does what?
Yes, we have a yard. Mike does it all.

Zzz’s – What is your last homemaking task for the day before going to bed?
You mean every day? See "Everyday" above.

What might be interesting is if Mike actually answered these questions. You might have a better idea of how our house works. Or, maybe you already do.

Why I love this city

There've been previous posts about how the DC area is different from the midwest, and those posts cover the good and the bad. But today on the train, I found the ultimate reason why living in a big city just can't be beat.
Here was the advertisement in the "Express" newspaper, which is a free publication handed out in Metro stations. I can usually read through the daily edition completely during my 35 min ride.
This one caught my eye. I've seen these kinds of studies before, but I'm sure the additional compensation noted resulted in jammed phone lines.

Now, I'm definitely interested in the dark chocolate, but then I thought, what if I was one who got the placebo? You know a placebo is supposed to look/feel/taste exactly like the substance being tested. What would that be? Mockolate?
Since we're talking about chocolate, have you seen the ads with Burt Reynolds as an M&M? Cute. You can Become an M&M yourself, online.

Hoosier Culture

In case my "differences" posts didn't make it clear what Indiana was like ...


GUIDELINES FOR UNDERSTANDING "THE HOOSIER CULTURE"

1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell 's cream of mushroom soup, and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted.
I made the mistake of taking a 'mexican' casserole to a family reunion ... rice, cheese, corn, ground beef and salsa. People were afraid of the rice. They thought it was Chinese food.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.
I'm partial to Evansville's West Side Nut Club Fall Festival and funnel cakes.

3. Know the geography. Of Florida,that is. There are Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. Hoosiers consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Indiana. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
I never made it to Florida until college spring break. Maybe those of us in the south of the state feel less of a need for warm weather.

4. Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.
If you don't like the weather in Indiana, just wait a few minutes. Actually my favorite outfit in high school was a yellow tank top, a white tank top, a turquoise knitted tank top and a fuschia camp shirt.

5. Don't take Indiana place names literally. If a town has the same name as a foreign city --- Valparaiso and Versailles , for example --- you must not pronounce them the way the foreigners do, lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south and French Lick isn't what you think either.
Mike still can't get that "Ver-SAYLES" pronunciation right.

6. Become mulch literate. Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards. (It's great for Impatiens!)
We grew up without a front yard ... the front porch was literally a yard from the street, and flooded regularly. Maybe I'll get Dad some mulch for Christmas.

7. You gotta know sports. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana , you have to be knowledgeable on the three levels -- professional, college and high school. The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.
See, I thought this was normal until I got here. In Northern Virginia, there is no 'little league' (they have 'sports clubs') and high school sports are paid for exclusively by the participants and/or the booster clubs. And they have crew!?

8. Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When they do embrace them, they do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.
Ahhh, small town life. Don't fix it if it ain't broke.

9. The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.
Because Hoosiers won't eat Chinese unless it is in disguise.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN:

You think the state Bird is Larry.
You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
There's actually a college near you named "Ball State".
You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world and you're proud of it.
Your feelings get hurt whenever someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You know what the phrase "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are a master of Euchre.
You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
You say things like catty-wampus and kitty corner and know what they mean.
You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave them both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
You drink pop.
You catch frogs at the crick.
If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em.
You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups.
You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farm implement in spring and fall. You just hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader.
High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters, IF you have a movie theater.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports.
You can repeat the scores of the last eight NBA games, but unless the MVP is a Hoosier, you are not sure who he is.
You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits over the last few years.
The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue.
Indianapolis is the BIG CITY.
Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work.
Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty.
You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic?
To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded, & fried piece of pork served on a bun with pickle and onion.

And finally, a bit about
NORTH & SOUTH

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol" truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Holiday Party?

Well, I found out that the holiday party for Washington was over before I got here. The Indianapolis office had theirs last week. No fruitcake and spiced rum for me. Okay, at least not with co-workers.

I found the following 'email forward' on the Urban Legends website, Snopes.com. Of course it is a parody, but what a hoot!

By the way, good luck to my hubby with finding a Human Resources position. Maybe you should file this under future correspondence.

---

MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty

---

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty

---

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

---

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA !
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

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FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!