Hoosier Culture

In case my "differences" posts didn't make it clear what Indiana was like ...


GUIDELINES FOR UNDERSTANDING "THE HOOSIER CULTURE"

1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell 's cream of mushroom soup, and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted.
I made the mistake of taking a 'mexican' casserole to a family reunion ... rice, cheese, corn, ground beef and salsa. People were afraid of the rice. They thought it was Chinese food.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and buy at least one elephant ear.
I'm partial to Evansville's West Side Nut Club Fall Festival and funnel cakes.

3. Know the geography. Of Florida,that is. There are Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. Hoosiers consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Indiana. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
I never made it to Florida until college spring break. Maybe those of us in the south of the state feel less of a need for warm weather.

4. Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.
If you don't like the weather in Indiana, just wait a few minutes. Actually my favorite outfit in high school was a yellow tank top, a white tank top, a turquoise knitted tank top and a fuschia camp shirt.

5. Don't take Indiana place names literally. If a town has the same name as a foreign city --- Valparaiso and Versailles , for example --- you must not pronounce them the way the foreigners do, lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also, East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state South Bend is in the north. North Vernon is in the south and French Lick isn't what you think either.
Mike still can't get that "Ver-SAYLES" pronunciation right.

6. Become mulch literate. Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards. (It's great for Impatiens!)
We grew up without a front yard ... the front porch was literally a yard from the street, and flooded regularly. Maybe I'll get Dad some mulch for Christmas.

7. You gotta know sports. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana , you have to be knowledgeable on the three levels -- professional, college and high school. The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.
See, I thought this was normal until I got here. In Northern Virginia, there is no 'little league' (they have 'sports clubs') and high school sports are paid for exclusively by the participants and/or the booster clubs. And they have crew!?

8. Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When they do embrace them, they do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.
Ahhh, small town life. Don't fix it if it ain't broke.

9. The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.
Because Hoosiers won't eat Chinese unless it is in disguise.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM INDIANA WHEN:

You think the state Bird is Larry.
You can say "French Lick" without laughing out loud.
There's actually a college near you named "Ball State".
You know Batesville is the casket-making capital of the world and you're proud of it.
Your feelings get hurt whenever someone points out the acronym for Purdue University is PU.
You know several people who have hit a deer.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing Terre Haute.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You know what the phrase "knee-high by the Fourth of July" means.
You've heard of Euchre, you know how to play Euchre, and you are a master of Euchre.
You've seen a running car, with nobody in it, in the parking lot of the grocery store, no matter what time of year it is.
Detassling was your first job. Bailing hay, your second. Or you could stack hay, swim in the pond to clean off and then have the strength to play a couple of games of hoops, all in the same barn lot on the same day.
You say things like catty-wampus and kitty corner and know what they mean.
You install security lights on your house and garage, then leave them both unlocked.
You carry jumper cables in your car regularly.
You drink pop.
You catch frogs at the crick.
If you want someone to hear you, you holler at 'em.
You know that baling wire was the predecessor to duct tape.
You know that strangers are the only ones who come to your front door.
Kids and dogs ride in the passenger seats of cars and the backs of pickups.
You think nothing of driving on the roads and being stuck behind a farm implement in spring and fall. You just hope it's not a hog truck or a manure spreader.
High school basketball games draw bigger crowds on the weekend than movie theaters, IF you have a movie theater.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six for local sports.
You can repeat the scores of the last eight NBA games, but unless the MVP is a Hoosier, you are not sure who he is.
You can see at least two basketball hoops from your yard.
You can name every one of Bobby Knight's exploits over the last few years.
The biggest question of your youth was IU or Purdue.
Indianapolis is the BIG CITY.
Getting stuck by a train is a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work.
Everyone knows who the town cops are, where they live, and whether they're at home or on duty.
You've been to the Covered Bridge Festival. And you took back roads to get there. Why sit in traffic?
To you, tenderloin is not an expensive cut of beef, but a big, salty, breaded, & fried piece of pork served on a bun with pickle and onion.

And finally, a bit about
NORTH & SOUTH

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol" truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.