Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Snow Diary
...excerpts from the diary of a man who had recently moved back to the snow belt after years in Florida...

Dec. 8:
5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture
window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Dec. 9:
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec. 10:
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterward, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

Dec. 11:
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 for a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Dec. 12:
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white crap last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.

Dec. 13:
2 degrees outside. More darn snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater, which tipped over and darned near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Dec. 14:
The %&#@ white stuff keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the %#@%& mailbox. If I ever catch the SOB that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Dec. 15:
6 ^%#@ more @%#& inches of ^@#^$@ snow and &#@# sleet and #^%@#& ice and who knows what other kind of white stuff fell last night. I wounded the snowplow driver with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill factor is -22 @#%@ degrees. Screw this stuff! I'm moving back to Florida.