Bad Breath, BO and Buck Naked

How's that for an alliterative title? Now, maybe you can guess where that came from, but let me start at the beginning.
It has been almost a year of travel and I've really not had any horror stories. Only missed one flight due to weather (my first day of orientation in Philly), only one or two really bumpy flights, some delays, and that extra screening at the airport finally happened to me last week, but today, heeeeere we go.
As I mentioned yesterday, I flew to South Dakota today. We de-iced in Indy for thirty minutes and barely made it out of there at all (the pilot said we were all so lucky to have made it that we should play the lotto today), so I knew I'd be cutting it close to make my connection in Chicago. And when they announced my connecting flight was on concourse F and we were landing at concourse C, I figured it was a no-go. So I didn't run. I didn't sweat. I didn't arrive out of breath. But I also didn't stop for food or a potty break. And I made it. Now, they were calling my name when I got there, but I did get there.
Unfortunately, my checked bag did not.
So when I realized no additional bags were going to come out of the conveyer (it was the final slam of the gates locking down on the belt that convince me completely), I went to the United ticket counter. The two people in front of me had the same problem and the agent went into the back room and came out with their bags. Me, not so much. She looked up the tracking number in the computer and found that while I had made the connection in Chicago, my bag had not. But, there was another flight coming in at 5:00 and my bag would be on it. She was really sorry, but they would have the bag delivered to my hotel as soon as it arrived (yeah, right. You know if that was the case, you wouldn't have six more paragraphs to read.)
Now the Sioux Falls airport is not as large as those I'm used to traveling through and with the current state of my Atkins diet (5 lbs lost in 5 days --- I can't stop NOW), I decided to go to the hotel to scare up some grub and let my bag come later. I could live without a toothbrush for three hours, right?
My co-worker Stephanie was also to arrive on the 5:00 flight, and for a moment I considered leaving her name with the agent. She could just bring my bag to me. But no. It was United's fault and they ought to bring me the bag. So I left.
Around 6:00 I'd not heard from my luggage, so I checked the flight on United's website. It was originally scheduled to land at 4:51 but was still in the air with an estimated time of arrival at 6:11. Stephanie was likely to be grumpy. After continued refreshing of the webpage, the actual arrival was listed at 6:10, and sure enough, at 6:50 Steph called from her room. We made plans to meet at 7 to walk over to Ruby Tuesday for appetizers. We returned right at 8:00 with no sign of my bag as yet. By now, I'm a little concerned that maybe my bag didn't make it to Sioux Falls. What could take them so long to deliver my clean underwear? So I searched the web for a solution. There was a form to fill out if you lost bags, but no way to track the progress, so I called the 800 number listed on my claim check. The automated voice response system said that my bag should arrive at 4:51. I held for a live person ("your call will be answered in 26 minutes).
In the meantime, I kept searching the web. Surely, United would have info on missing bags. Nope. But I did find this guy. Now I'm really worried.
When my 26 minutes were up, I did get a live person, albeit from India, and had to tell her the same info I told the computer. She put me on hold for another 10 minutes to check on my bag, since she was showing that it should have arrived at 4:51. When she came back, she said she'd have to call the airport in Sioux Falls. Ten more minutes and she confirmed that Sioux Falls did have my bag and that it would be delivered by 10:30. Greaaaaat. I asked who to call if I didn't have it by then.
"Oh, the hotel will have it."
"But what if they DON'T?"
"Then call back on this 800 number."
You better hope I don't have to.

By now it is 9:15 and I decide to kill time by surfing the net (free wireless internet, and breakfast, I'm impressed with this place, really!) That bluejay guy's site keeps haunting me, and at 9:45, I started this post to commisurate with my faithful readers.
But then the phone rings! Oh joy. It must be the front desk, right? Yes, it is the front desk. From the wrong hotel. I'm at the Holiday Inn Express at the mall. The bag is at the Holiday Inn across town. The clerk is very nice and says United is coming back for the bag and will deliver it to me. I'm not so sure that's a good idea, but what can I do? The clerk mentions that she sent me an email (still not received) and left phone messages on my work and home phones (sorry Honey, hope it didn't wake you since it was about 11 pm your time). Apparently she finally made the connection that she was not the only Holiday Inn in town and called over here. I don't understand how the delivery guy left a bag at a hotel who did not show the registration of the person who's name was on the bag.
"Delivery for Edwards"
"There's no Edwards here"
"Okay, here's the bag, bye"
I suppose I should take partial blame for the address mixup. I did not have the hotel address on me, so I just wrote "Holiday Inn Express Sioux Falls". Coulda shoulda woulda. I know better now.
But soft, what sound through yonder telephone jangles? Tis the front desk and I am overjoyed. My bag is downstairs. At 10:10 pm.
We're leaving at 7:30 in the morning, so I better get moving on to the shower. There better be some really big coffee cups in this place in the morning.

PS, it was -4F when we landed. brrrrrrr.