House Cleaning Philosophy

Mom sent me this one. Gee thanks.

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lamp shades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If anyone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes.”

Painting: Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say "Jr did this the week before that unspeakable accident & I haven't had the heart to clean it."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags inconspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."